This is where I put all my opinions and stuff. Feel free to read any of it. It's basically a diary-journal-type-thing.
WARNING!! This place might get a little weird, insane, straight up political, sensitive, whatever. There will not be any individual warnings on any of the entries, sorry.
Life Updates (LOTS OF PAIN)
6/16/2025
So I know this little diary is absolutely full of many depressing things, but I'll have you know that's EXACTLY what you signed up for when you considered reading this!!!!! I don't think that what I have to say today is very depressing, just some updates.
Recently, my cat Marshmallow passed away. Friday morning was when I found him and buried him. Since the dirt outside is really moist, my mom put a tire over his grave. I eventually plan on putting a little cross where he's buried. I'm not religious at all, but I think it would be really cute if I made it out of sticks or something. I hope he rests in peace. He deserves it. He was my baby.
I have had intense stomach cramps for three days now, maybe four. It's absolutely horrible and today it just got way worse. I was able to deal with it earlier because usually this kind of thing happens randomly without explanation rather frequently (but not really THAT frequently, if that makes sense?) I think I might just have IBS which makes me really sad because I would rather break my leg than have stomach pains for 4 days straight. I think I'm going to go to the doctor today, or soon if I can. Speaking of physical pain, before Marshy died, I tried to hand feed him some dog food (didn't have enough money for cat food at the time and he ate all of the canned chicken I gave him) and he bit me HARD. Like, my finger went numb and did not stop bleeding. I started crying NOT because it hurt but because I just felt like shit for him. Poor cat probably just wanted to eat but couldn't even get himself to.
On a more happy note, I finally got my BINDER!!!! And oh BOY it works I just wish I didn't have stomach pain so I could wear it comfortably. I also got a Mastodon jacket, the remission one!! It's so comfortable and it's my favorite jacket ever aside from the BattleBlock Theater one my dad bought for me a long time ago when I used to be obsessed with BBT. Suuuuuuch a good game I'm sad I feel like The Behemoth neglects it :( Buuuuut yeah, that's about it for now. I hope I can actually do stuff and go out this summer so I can show off my NEW SUMMER BOD HAHAHAHAHA FLAT CHEST LET'S FUCKING GO
Bad Luck, Or is God Fucking With Me?
6/3/2025
I don't believe in god, but I think there may be a higher power trying to get my attention.
I know my recent blogposts have been VERY depressing, but I can't help it! My life sucks! I live in America and I'm lower-middle class, not to mention basically the only person who works in my family. I can barely afford food, let alone pet food or cat litter, but throw that pet shit out the window, because guess what? My cat is dying anyways.
All we did was try to bathe him. He went limp and stopped breathing. He's alive as I'm typing this, but he wont eat or drink very much. Why is this happening? I can't stop asking myself why. If there really is a god, when I die, I would ask him the same thing. I couldn't stop crying last night, I just wanted the pain to end for my cat. It would have been better if he passed last night. He's my best friend and my son and he's been through so much with me, so I'm grateful, but I hope I was the best for him and did enough for him. I've come to terms with his death, but I can't seem to shake the fear of what's coming or the stupid guilt that's being paired with it for some reason.
It feels like every day is the same thing. I want to save up money to get a binder or trans tape, and my paycheck comes this wednesday, so... Maybe I'll be able to get one! I have a small chest but I still really want to bind so I can wear tighter-fitting clothes and look more masculine, like a tank top. I have so many tank tops. I wish my face looked more masculine. I will straight up become peak Hala when I grow up.
Life is so hard and I genuinely don't know how I can even get help. I feel like there's seriously something wrong with me. I need therapy!!! Especially if I'm going to be transitioning fully in the future. I don't know how to get therapy or a doctor though because I'm only seventeen and I don't think that I can even do that. I wish the U.S. cared about shit like this instead of funding a mass genocide. This country is so shit.
If you read this far, thanks and sorry for how DEPRESSING it was. These are all the reasons I haven't really been working on my site consistently. So much shit has come crashing down on me to the point that it feels useless to really do anything. Anywho, I appreciate you. Thank you for being able to bear the ramblings of a probably over-dramatic seventeen year old. :p I'm going to be opening commissions soon, hopefully! OK TOODLES!!!!
My Weekend
5/17/2025
I am SO not ready for work on Sunday... Oh, but today's the day of my concert! We're going to see L.A. Guns tonight... We might be a little bit late, since Rory still kind of has to work, but I really don't care as long as we don't miss ALL of L.A. Guns. I don't care about the openers. :p
I've been playing a lot of GTA recently. It's fucking hilarious because I'll run into someone on the road and Michael acts like it's their fault when I literally like rear ended them on purpose. I love Michael De Santa.... I'm not weird ok. I just love gay old dudes. I DON'T GAF IF HE'S MARRIED TRIKEY IS SO REAL....
Last night, me and my mom were making baked potatoes and I was just yammering on about EVERYTHING I knew about Trevor. I love my mom because she listens to every little thing I say even when shes kinda busy, and she remembers, too. I remember telling her everything about Red Dead Redemption 2 and how Dutch and Hosea were literally a couple. She likes Arthur :) Ummm anyways I was talking about GTA....I forgot tbh... But I drew Princess Robot Bubblegum and I lowkey hate it but I don't know how to draw in the anime style so it's to be expected! I'll still showcase it one day when my gallery eventually gets finished... Whenever that is.
Last night, me and Rory watched Brokeback Mountain! Not sure how I feel about it. The movie is great don't get me wrong, but the ENDING! I didn't really like it :( Ennis was kind of an asshole but y'know what I fw it I love him he's my favorite..... I think my favorite part in the movie was.... The SEX SCENE OBVIOUSLY! heh... I LOVE GAY SEEEEEEEX!
Some Thoughts In My Admittedly Empty Head
5/15/2025
I witnessed Brent from Mastodon leave the band. Everyone is like, 'WAAAH! NOOO! BRENT!!' But honestly...? Is it that serious? If we think of it from the band's point of view, it's way better for them. Brent gets to do what he wants music-wise, while the rest of the boys can continue on with their awesome music. None of the older albums are going anywhere. People are so annoying. 'No Brent no band!' grow up. I'm serious. Grow the fuck up! One member leaving doesn't fucking ruin the whole thing. I haven't seen any of Mastodon's performances on this tour with the new frontman (?) yet, so I can't say if I love him or not. Even if I didn't like it, I wouldn't complain like that. He's a new member, let him get his damn footing before criticizing! Though, I'll say, leaving before the band starts going on a new tour is pretty shitty on Brent's part. But maybe that's not surprising, I've heard from multiple people that he's kind of an asshole. All in all, thanks Mastodon for making music that I want to inject into my bloodstream, and thank you Brent for contributing with your beautiful voice and powerful guitar.
Today started out like yesterday, only less yelling. My dad took me to school today. I'm not sure how to feel about his actions right now. I love my dad, but it feels like since childhood, he's been a sort of ghost that'd only come out once in a blue moon despite living in my house. I want to fix whatever is going on, but I don't know how and it's really not my responsibility.
I wish I could get commissions for art. I've tried promoting them, but nothing ever comes of it and it eventually makes me question if my art is badly shaded, or too unfinished, or too flat... But I'd like to do commissions. The only issue is time, since I have a job now, but it's summer so maybe it's not that bad. Maybe I could do website commissions? Would anyone pay me to make a sick site? Probably, but I don't think my code is clean enough. Looks are the only thing that matter to me!
Has anyone else ever said or thought 'I wanna go home' despite literally being at home? I wonder what that means. What is home to you? To me, home means the house I grew up in. It was old and creaky and on it's last legs, but it was my home. If you took a step inside of my heart, maybe it'd look like that. My favorite part of my house was always the garage door, because it felt like going down the stairs that lead up to a giant castle. There was always a bunch of junk in there, and I always wanted to snoop through those boxes of junk and see what I'd find, but my mom would never let me. I think that they had my old toys I never used to play with in them, which is why she didn't want me to see them and go 'wait! that's mine! I wanna keep it!' and then proceed to never touch said toys ever again. A hassle, really! I liked the backyard too because there was an old brick stove out there for some reason. One time, me and my brother found a garden snake and put it into a little Tupperware and set it out on that stove. The next day, it was gone. Dunno where it went. Oh, my uncle used to live with me at home. He was like my big brother, and we were inseparable! Ok, well, it was a little one-sided on my part, but you can't blame me. I was a baby. He once cut my hair before it was time for me to take a bath, so my mom obviously called for him when my hair started to fall out on the bath. His excuse was 'maybe she has cancer!' I did not have cancer. He would play with me and my brother, too. We once were in the backyard, messing around with this worm we found and named 'wormy.' I have no idea what happened to it, but it presumably died the next day, so we made a little grave by the tree that we found it at for wormy. Rip wormy. There are so many more stories in my head, and I could sit here all day aND talk about them, but my hands are cramping from typing so much, and I can't think of anything else to write, anyways.
Thank you, whoever you are, if you're reading this. Thanks for viewing my website. Thanks for reading! I appreciate you a lot, I appreciate everyone who has left a comment or followed me. It means a whole lot because this website is my heart and soul. If you haven't already, tell yourself how awesome you are. Cya tomorrow! Or whenever the next post is.
My Day
5/14/2025
Today I woke up and was greeted to the sound of my mom groaning and complaining that she had felt sick. It turns out she was throwing up all morning and night. When it was time for her to get in the car and drive us to school, she needed gas money and asked my dad for some. He yelled at her, asking why she had an attitude when she had simply just asked for money.
First, second, and third period were all uneventful. But in fourth, my anatomy and physiology class, we dissected an ENTIRE FETAL PIG, which was badass! But my group is a bunch of squirmy girls, so I had been left to do all the work. The pig corpse might have touched my arms a few times, but I made sure to clean myself afterwards. It was cool, I had to cut open the mouth of the baby pig and look inside but the cutting part was actually really hard... Oh, we had to name him too, and my group decided on 'Willy.' I had come up with the name 'Babe,' but they all said it was 'giving girl'...? I was just thinking of the movie, Babe. I have it on VHS, actually! Anyways... We're doing the rest of the dissection tomorrow. When I was looking at the baby pig, I couldnt stop thinking about that part in Lords Of Chaos, where Mayhem is doing their show and that dude bites off a piece of that pig's head. Yuck. But pretty badass. Doing a pig dissection is pretty metal, I guess! Oh, before that, I went to lunch with one of my friends. We got subway! Only seniors are allowed to go off campus, so at first they didn't allow us, but we just walked around the church nearby our school and they never saw us! >:3
It was a nice day. It was okay-ish... I was mad all day, and right now it's 9:11 pm (lol) and I feel sad. I'm sad because my PS4 has been broken for over 2 years now and I still dont have a new one or have it fixed. My dad said he would do it, but hasn't. I started crying, which sounds very stupid, but it's serious to me. I grew up with that console! It's an original one from the year it came out. It's special to me.
Oh, last weekend I went to half price books and got Destiny for the Xbox 360. I haven't played it yet, but soon I will! So far, my 360 game collection consists of Red Dead Redemption (and Undead Nightmare), Destiny, The Orange Box, Portal 2, and Skate 3. While at Half Price Books, I was looking soooo hard for Mastodon CDs, but came out unlucky. I was also trying really hard to find Clerks on DVD, but again, no luck. Maybe next time! I want clerks on DVD so bad. One day, I'll have a huge collection of physical media. Anywho, thats all for my day and the weekend. Bye bye! :3
My Games & Setup:
A Rather Depressing Second Post
5/13/2025
Now that I have a journal, I should be putting stuff here. And I DID say that I'd be putting some personal stuff here... And recently, I'm not gonna lie, I have been fucking bummed out. Well, maybe less bummed and more sad about shit, but whatever.
Uuuuuuuggghhhhh being trans. NEED I SAY MORE????? It's so hard. I'm reminded of it every day and night, and recently the gender dysphoria has been kicking my ass SO HARD. I think I have some genuine internalized transphobia and denial still despite acting like I'm comfortable. I'm not, I'm never comfortable in my own skin. The only time I'm not uncomfortable is when I'm at home or when I'm with Rory. Other than that, I feel like I stick out. I feel like I'm too androgynous rather than masculine, and that's not what I want! I want to be seen as a man and I want for people to look at me and just accept I was born this way! I dunno dude it's bullshit in my opinion. I also live in the U.S., so if you don't hear back from me in a while, I probably got sniped by that lardass in office. Jk...
It's summer, and that's my favorite season, but I'm still sad about it because I'm not a boy. I wish I could go swimming without getting major dysphoria or feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Why are one piece swimsuits for girls so uncomfortable and tight? I don't want to accentuate my curves.
I also don't think my parents really believe that I'm trans. I came out to my mom and she didn't say anything about it, which is nice in a way because at least I wasn't rejected... But I can't help but think that she thinks that it's all a phase. It's not. I'm seventeen now, and I. Want. TESTOSTERONE.
Hello Habitants of Hell!!
5/12/2025
Hi guys!!! I'm here!!! And im using a cool new code editor called Visual Studio Code, which you can see for yourself here!
I'm so proud of how my site is coming out so far. Even with my occassional burn-outs and creative blocks, I never abandon this site. Not for too long, at least... ERMMMMM lol!!!
This place is mostly for rants and shit like that. I plan on posting a lot of stuff. It might get somewhat personal here, but I think thats alright since this *IS* a personal website, soooo... Hehehe!!!!!!! Anywho.... What do I write today....?? Idk yet so we'll just leave this here. I LOVE TREVOR PHILLIPS!!!!!! I need this guy in my bed I mean woahhhh who said thatttt
